The Naivety

Monday, December 25, 2006

The Naivety

Once upon a time there was this girl called Bethan. Bethan's mother, the most beautiful one-eyed hand-job-whore I've ever seen, tried to smother Bethan - during a bout of 'sleep walking'. She failed, but did scar-up Bethan's forehead pretty bad, on account of the fact she had such long red hooker nails. Bethan's father, a one-armed carpenter, 'accidentally' shot Bethan - four times. Two of the bullets punctured each of Bethan's feet and two each of her hands. She bled a bit, but couldn't believe her luck at surviving. - Neither could her parents. Her pet doG, Long John Silver, had both eyes and a full set of limbs, but only one testicle. He was Bethan's true love. However, one day when her parents 'inadvertently' locked her and Silver, in her mother's favourite hand made oak wardrobe - which was on sale at the time on the King's Road, in the Mertha Tydfil branch of MFI. - Silver, after four days incarceration, got so hungry and frustrated that he started mauling Bethan's hip, really quite badly actually! Between the snarling, the saliva, the fur, the screams, the blood and the smell of freshly beeswaxed oak, Bethan was overheard; and subsequently rescued by the store's general manager, Mr.T.Shepherds. Bethan was soon reunited with her 'concerned' parents, and Silver, soon back to his old chipper self, so she forgave.

So it was, that one starlit night, as Bethan was looking at her naked body, whilst lying on a pile of hay in the stable that doubled up as her bedroom. She got to thinking about the reason for all the unfortunate incidents that had befallen her. Then, just like a bolt of lightning it hit her, she had an epiphany..."I must be Jesus!!"

Before long she had told anyone who would listen that she was the son of God and showed off all her old ugly scars to prove it! Her parents, who had been working all the hours God sent, to buy her a pet bull and once-piece Santa suit for Christmas, told her she was talking utter donkey shit and it was time she grew-up! She was 25 after all.

Bethan got sick of people disbelieving that she was the son of God and so decided to do the one thing that would prove, once-and-for-all, that she really was Jesus; to come back from the dead! So just before midnight on Christmas Eve, she took some rope out of her mothers bondage draw and an elder wood stool from her father’s workshop and hung herself from the second floor bannister. As Bethan, also known as 'the village pleb', thrashed and gagged and kicked and choked and spat out her last breaths she thought to herself: Bollocks - I think mum and dad might of had a point! And three very wise thoughts came to her...

 1) Even the most imperfect parents can still impart great wisdom to their children.

2) A doG couldn't care less if it's only got one bollock, they kinda know we'd forgive them almost anything. Maybe that's what love is?

and finally...

3) Fuck me, don't people do a lot of dumb stuff in the name of religion.

Merry Christmas,

-Cheyelle

Mission Statement

This story is fiction. That is all. It is just a little story that is fiction! It does not wish to denigrate the reputation of any one-eyed whores, one-armed carpenters, testicley challenged doGs or any member of MFI staff that I may, or may not happen to know. The story is not intended to cause offence or inspire hatred to anyone of any denomination or faith. The story does not in anyway reflect my own views on any particular religion, philosophy or belief system. Suffice to say my own opinion on religion is very simple: It should be private and dignified, like a very bad case of the clap.

COPYRIGHT ©2006 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED: CHEYELLE OMAR