Football Fuckeries - Newcastle United

- The Musings of a Failed Football Fan...

The Tale of Two Arses and a Castle with no Moat

One of the things that Liverpool fans often levelled at me when critiquing the body of work I composed for the club, in my capacity as the club’s official Resident Poet was, “She’s not a real supporter.” And if I’m a 100% honest, I am, and probably always will be, an armchair supporter (with my mates down the pub). The irony is, it was the diehard Liverpool supporters themselves that I found the most beguiling. I found them far more inspiring than the players, the manager or even the game itself. – I fell in love with the fans, their passion, their blind faith, their dogged determination, their creativity, their voice and even their anger.

It was an anger that was, on occasion, directed at me. Directed at my literary endeavours or even the very existence of my role at the club. I read every good and every bad thing wrote about me. There was often more bad than good (hehehe). It never bothered me though – I understood it was just ‘the piss n vinegar’. The way I saw it was, you wouldn’t expect to work with camels and not get spat at every now and again, would ya? It was just part of the job. However, it was, and still is, the supporters who I wanted to please. It was them that I believed in. It was their family that I wanted to be a part of. Of course, I failed…as you do.

In previous Football Fuckeries columns I’ve focused on footballers. In this post, it’s the chairmen and club owners that I’ve got my beady-eye on. See, these power-players are often as equally rotten as the “spoilt brats” they matriculate into their squads. That said, it’s very rare indeed that they’re ever as dumb as your average football player. But every now and again…

Let me introduce you to Mike Arse-ley & Derek Llambi-arse at Newcastle United. I calls them the Two Arses. If you’re not familiar with them, they’re part of a group of men that have been dubbed the “Cockney Mafia” by Toon supporters. Here we have a situation, where the owner and chairman, appear to know nothing about football or the business of football. Whilst conveying, a real dislike of their own mangers, players and supporters – even to their own detriment! If they’d only bought themselves out of trouble in the last January transfer window – like Tottenham did – in all probability, they would’ve never been relegated.

Now, what I’m about to say breaks every single rule of good journalism…so lucky for me I ain’t a journalist. What a pair of arse-holes! To be in a position of power like that and not understand the delicate dichotomy of emotion, passion, history and belief inherent in the people of the industry they CHOSE to work in. And I’m not only referring to Kevin Kegan’s constructive dismissal (and no, I’m not a King Kev or Sultan Shearer proponent either), or the cack-handed renaming of the ground, or even the on-again-off-again selling of the club. No, what I’m referring to is the apparent complete disregard of the ‘twelfth man’ - the generations of men, women and children whose shoulders they’re stood on.

Despite the rivalry that is intrinsic to football, I do believe that there comes a time, when we have to stand together with our counterparts at other clubs. A time, when we as Liverpool supporters or Swansea supporters or Celtic supporters or Ballymena United supporters – say enough! Perhaps, the time has come for us to do that for our Newcastle United counterparts. A wise woman once said, “Boycotts must happen in the heart.” To me, that means laying aside my rivalry with supporters of other clubs and acknowledging, that we are in fact, the same people divided by a common kit.

This time last year (a time when Newcastle were in chaos but still had a chance of survival) I drove past Mike Ashley’s home – it’s on Totteridge Lane, North London. He had spent, god knows how much money, illuminating his suburban-castle and gatehouse with hundreds and hundreds of twinkling Christmas lights. The sight was really something to behold and yet, it was one of the most vulgar things I’ve ever seen. It made me sick to my stomach to think that his home, his lights, his gatehouse, his power, his success could have been procured on the shoulders of people like me - buying his products, working in his factories. Lining his pockets. Six months later, Newcastle United were relegated and Arse-ley was trying to flog it again.

So, until Mike Arse-ley & Derek Llambi-arse give the people of Newcastle and the supporters of Newcastle United the respect, consideration and loyalty they deserve. And have undoubtedly earned over generations. I feel it incumbent on me, as a fellow football supporter, to boycott their assets. Whether it’s Mike’s sportswear shops or Derek’s nightclubs. Only when we, the supporters, acknowledge our commonality and unite - will we be a voice to be reckoned with and moreover, respected, when it comes to how we are treated by our millionaire OWNERS.

-A failed football fan




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