Football Fuckeries - The 'Sex' Factor

- The Musings of a Failed Football Fan

Is football the way forward when it comes to sexuality?

Statistically speaking, something like, just under 1 in every ten 10 males in the UK has had a sexual experience with someone of the same sex (source: AVERT).

Why is it then, that there is not one single gay footballer in the whole of the Premier League? Unlike Robbie Fowler (my favourite footballer of all time, and the inspiration for Seasoned Lines, the poem I was commissioned to write for the centenary of the Kop) I’m not in the business of outing anyone – lest we forget the Graeme Le Saux incident. However, here’s the thing, having experienced the arrogance of premiership footballers first-hand. I find it impossible to believe, that not one single top-flight footballer would have the chutzpah, to come out and be like, “Yeah, I like cock…now what?” I mean look at David Beckham; he flaunts his metro-sexuality, just to flog a couple of extra bottles of his poxy perfume.

So, I’m sat here wondering…like you do…maybe all these gay/bi footballers in the Premiership aren’t in the closet at all. – Least, not in the way society defines it. Maybe, the way they see it is: "It’s my closet. I’ll do what the fuck I want with it!" Let’s face facts, it’s not like their walk-in-wardrobes aren’t big enough to spend a lifetime in, and still have enough room to fit in all their sarongs, sunglasses, and the odd Hampstead Heath rent boy.

I, personally, think it’s fine to be ‘out’ – great, good on ya; good luck with that. But, what if you’re gay and don’t wanna come out? Why should gay people feel like they HAVE to ‘come out’? – Straight people don’t have to ‘come out’. Look, I wouldn’t tell you who I voted for in the last by-election (pardon the pun) let alone what I did with my vagina in the privacy of my own home over the weekend. It’s none of your goddamn business.

Let’s say, for example, you were a youngish, prettyish, professionally unemployed writer, who had always harboured a secret fantasy of being pissed on…by Owen Hargreaves…I’m guessing. You wouldn’t go around telling every person you met and a whole heap of others you haven’t (via the press). Hello, my name’s Cheyelle Omar. I’m into water sports. So, what did you think of my latest sestina…didn’t ya just love the alliteration? When it comes to my private life, it’s just that – private. So, even if you had:

• Footage of me being pissed-on, up on YouTube.
• Martin Bashir ‘outing’ me in his latest documentary: 'Water Sports' - The Untold Story.
• An unnamed maid from the Malmaison Hotel, selling my urine soaked sheets on eBay.
• Owen Hargreaves doing a ‘kiss ‘n’ smell’ on me for the local newspaper.
• And me walking around stinking like the only lamppost in a country mile of the local dogs home!

I would still look you square in the eye and go: Naw, I ain’t into no water sports, star. What’s more, I wouldn’t have one single iota of compunction about lying to you. If I ain’t breaking the law, what’s it got to do with anyone else?

It might seem like I’m making light of it, and I am in a way. But it’s to highlight a serious dilemma. Surely, people should stop going around believing they’ve got the right to know other folks business. And more specifically, making gay people feel they have an obligation to ‘come-out’? I know lots of very sweet, educated, lady-like girls who love nothing more than a good fisting over the weekend. But, they would never admit to it publicly – why should they? Conversely, one of my very good friends, from back in the day, was the type of gay man who simply refused to have anal sex (he found the whole idea of it abhorrent). He didn’t go around judging straight people for all the 'back-door' they were having. He wouldn’t dream of it. I often think, that in life, there's two types of people: ‘the idealists’ and ‘the realists’. And I wonder, if, perhaps, there are just more of the latter in the world of football?

In any event, to any footballer out there, who is gay and has decided he doesn’t want to share his private life with everyone. Please don’t think you’re less worthy than an ‘out’ gay – you’re not (at least, not as far as I’m concerned). As long as you ain’t breaking the law, hurting anyone or manipulating anyone’s emotions, then more power to you. Just cos you happen to be in the limelight, you don’t owe me the truth. Cos, as a very wise Arab woman once said, “A real friend, lets you keep your secrets.”

- A failed football fan


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