A Bachelorette's Guide…

…To Spending Christmas Day Alone

People always talk about Christmas being a time for family. But, what if you ain't got no family, like me? - I learnt a long time ago, being the 'sympathy guest' attending some other family's Christmas Day festivities, is as dry as a piece of toast with no butter. So, I generally opt to spend the "big day" on my own, chillaxing, just doing my thang how I do's it. And it ain't done me no harm!

I know, I'm not the only one out there. So here’s my top 20ish ways for a confirmed bachelor or bachelorette to survive Christmas Day alone:

• Never, ever, expect the day to be any better than a rainy Monday in mid-October.

• Buy a load of stuff from Argos – or any other retailer that offers a money back guarantee. Really enjoy opening it all up on the “big day.” Then, return all the stuff you don’t like/need in the New Year; a period I now call, “The January Fails.”

• Make everything you eat on the "big day" appear 'turkey-like,' from the killer snacks to the dogs’ food (as pictured). My thanks to Kat in Canada for that one.

• Don’t waste any money buying Christmas decorations. Instead (with the money you saved) buy yourself something you neither need nor will regularly use, but always wanted – this year I’m all about the Scalextrics!

• Nap – as and when you want.

• I can’t emphasise this one enough: BOX SETS, BOX SETS and more BOX SETS. TV at Christmas tends to only represent a “family’s eye view” of the big day, rather than that of the millions of us who regularly enjoy spending it alone. – This year, I’m tempted by, The A-Team or Knight Rider box sets…but YOU get whatever YOU want.

• Sing (carols). Be naked. Do both at the same time.

• Get as high as a kite, without breaking the law (obviously). It’s Christmas for God’s sake; d’you really think Jesus would object? Why else would them Wise Men have brought frankincense and myrrh to the Nativity, if it weren’t for the fact they couldn’t source a dooby* and a chang-chang en route? Duh. After all, it was the ultimate baby shower.

• Watch The Queen’s Speech…no matter where you live in the world…whatever your political inclination…stop, and watch The Queen’s Speech. She’s been around the block more times than most of us and kept the same hairstyle (for over 60 years!) while doing it  – face it, she’s earnt the right to be listened to, even if you don't agree with her.

• Share the day with your sadnesses [sic]. It’s okay, we all have ‘em, never suppress ‘em just cos it's Christmas. That’s how the demons get in.

• Eat what you want. – I’m ordering a ‘Soho’ pizza from Pizza Express the day beforehand (cos that’s how I do’s it). 

• Do something for someone you never met – trust me, it works. It’s a subject addressed in tomorrow’s post. 

• Go to church† – it’s free. I’ve noticed lots of sweet little old ladies go. When I lived on Maiden Lane Estate (London) I used to go to St Michael’s (Camden Town) on the Camden Rd (the one next to Sainsbury’s) every Christmas. The people there often had a better understanding of the true “spirit” of Christmas – plus, you get free bread and wine – so technically speaking, you’re even getting to spend the “big day” having a drink with the birthday boy’s father.  An ‘O-mar-God’ tip: wrap up warm; some of them British churches are colder than Sarah Palin’s arse. 

• Do NOT wash. Do that on the other 364 days if you have to – but don’t do it if you’re spending Christmas Day alone – IT DON’T MAKE NO SENSE. Yes, cleanliness is next to godliness, but dirtiness is next to X-X-Xmasness…

• Feel smug about the fact you didn’t suck consumer cock (minus the Scalextrics and the box set). 

• Look out the window and feel warm on the inside (where it really counts) cos you got a roof over your head. 

• Be still, for at least one micro-moment in-between the DVD’s, the bread, the wine, the stripping, the Queens, the singing and the returnable gifts – and say to yourself… “I'm poor, black, I might even be ugly, but dear God, I'm here. I'm here.” ** The adjectives are interchangeable for the rich, white, pretty folks.

• Read my short story The Naivety in the October (09) section of my blog – it really is the antivenom.

And if all else fails… 

• Convert to Judaism.

Shabbat Shalom!

- Cheyelle

* Ooby Dooby

† I don’t have a particular faith, but I admire spiritual people and I like religious buildings – if the door’s open, I tend to go in!

** Extract from the film, The Color Purple.

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