The Sunday Service - Argos

An Insider's Guide To Cool Britannia…

Whether The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, or Stig of the Dump, The Colour Purple, or The Bluest Eye, the Mr Men books, or Charles Bukowski's books – I have indeed, loved many-a-book during my lifetime. However, none as much as the one I’m recommending for this installment of The Sunday Service.

Oh, the hours I spent as a child (and adult) flicking through its glossy and luxurious pages. Perusing its veritable plethora of very reasonably priced items; a red 'faux leather' bucket seat for £99.99 that absolutely would, and could, complete my life. The 6 piece pan set in royal blue for a measly £19.99 that I desperately needed for when/if I ever learnt how to boil an egg. The award winning steering wheel lock in brushed metal, that I simply had to have for when I bought my first car…after I learnt how to drive…if I ever decide to have lessons.

Yes, I’m referring to that 1970’s spellbinding literary masterpiece: The Argos Catalogue.

The Argos Catalogue

It’s a brilliant concept. All you do is: chose the items you want from the free Argos catalogue, or peruse the in-store catalogues, or go online @ www.argos.co.uk. Write down the catalogue number (pencils are provided in-store for free) of the item/items you want on an Argos order slip, and pay. Then just chillax in the waiting area, while a spotty but pleasant teenager in a light-blue t-shirt with kebab stains on it brings you your goods from out back.

The catalogue features everything from Apple Macs to ice makers, from earrings to bikes, from helmets to pelmets, from clocks to woks – it is, in consumer terms, the equivalent of medical grade cocaine for your average consumer junky! The catalogue has over 1500 pages of worthless tat that for some strange reason, you simply cannot live without!

What’s more, nearly everything comes with a “no-quibble” money back guarantee – which they really do honour. So, if you get your product home and don’t like it, just return it. And the real beauty of this timeless book is they publish more revised versions of the catalogue than a D.H.Lawrence novel – two per year in fact! I call it, ‘the catalogue that keeps on giving’ cos it’s proved itself to be the Mr. Pussy of retail therapy.

There are only two downsides to the Argos experience:

1. They don’t have stores all over the world. When I spend time living abroad (especially when I’m in the US) I really do miss it.
2. I wouldn’t recommend the jewellery – nothing screams “cheap boyfriend” more than a guy that buys an engagement ring from Argos. Think about it, do you really wanna buy the love of your life and future mother of your children a wedding ring from a shop that sells a natty range of novelty toilet seats?

So, for anyone visiting this green and pleasant land, forget Harrods, Harvey Nicks and Selfridges. And don’t even bother with Oxford Street or Camden Lock. No, just make a beeline to one of our fair isles’ many Argos stores. For me, this store is as quintessentially British as Cheddar cheese, and as much a British institution as Dame Helen Mirren. You may even get lucky while in the shop and get to observe some of the indigenous patrons; affectionately known as “chavs.” You can’t miss ‘em, they’ll be the ones wearing leggings with flip-flops or track suits with humongous gold hoop earrings and Von Dutch caps. More often than not, they’ll be using a second-hand baby-buggy as a make-shift shopping trolley.

Oh yeah, and here’s a cherry: when you pick-up your free catalogue from the brand’s numerous high street branches. Make sure you get a spare one too, that way, when you have company over you can have a book each and then sync pages as and when you need to. – Boo yaa, or as they say in Argos speak,  “helping you live for less.”

- Cheyelle Omar

← The Argos Catalogue






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