Women are from Earth…

…Men are from the World

My Friend Zuleyka

The video below is of my friend Zuleyka Shahin. Zuleyka and I met when we were both at University. At the time, I wasn’t a dropout and she wasn’t a she.

Over the past six years: she’s appeared in the British version of Big Brother, has written and sung a range of great pop songs, has starred on stage and screen up and down the country and runs a successful online jewellery store. Whilst the whole time having to battle with her gender dysphoria demons. And on top of all of that, she has been a kind, sweet and loyal friend to me. A friend who never judged me or took me for granted or asked me to be anything other than who I am, as I am. If you ask me, she’s really quite an incredible soul for a person of only 23 years.

Despite previous knock-backs, her latest endeavour is to try once again, to represent her predominantly Muslim country (Turkey) in the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest. She has 4 days to get as many people as possible to lobby (via email) TRT  (the Turkish Broadcaster) into giving her a chance to realize her ambition to sing for her country.

I shouldn’t say this, at least not in the public domain, and especially without getting her permission first. But you know me. Genuinely, I found Zuleyka’s transformation a bit difficult to deal with, in no small way because Zuleyka herself (being completely, utterly and infuriatingly complex) was never 100% unequivocal about her gender status…I’m ashamed and ever so slightly embarrassed to say, even that old “It could be a phase” chestnut reared its ugly impotent head.

Then one night, we were talking on the phone – it must have been like 2am or something – we live at different ends of the country and we’re both night owls. The conversation, which had started several hours earlier, discussing The Real Housewives of Atlanta or something as equally innocuous, then moved onto America’s Next Top Model, then shoes, then clothes, then boys, and from boys to dates and from dates to love (as so often is the case, when chatting with your girly friends). So there we were, in the early hours of the morning, both single and gabbing on about love. Actually, I think we were joking about my torrid love life - I really am so rubbish at dating! Then, out of the blue (as it had been a light-hearted conversation) Zuleyka said, “Yeah, it’s okay for you though, there will always be someone that will want you…but who’d wanna love me?”

I can’t remember my response exactly, I was a bit taken aback, I think I replied with something silly and self-deprecating as English people so often do…we laughed; the moment was gone. But it stuck with me. It stuck because, it was the exact moment that I knew Zully was a woman, and if she wasn’t, then I was a MAN! Cos what she’d revealed, in that lost micro-moment, was what most people (including me) spend their whole lives hiding.  We had the same fear – the fear of a loveless life. We both, despite ourselves, yearned to be loved and wanted to know how to love, even when, who we were as people posed our greatest obstacle. It was then that it dawned on me, perhaps the truth of the matter is, there really isn’t any difference between girls and boys, men and women – we are not, as some might say, on different planets anymore (if indeed we ever were?) or at war with each other, but rather, each of us and in our own painful, solitary and cerebral way are fighting an internal battle; an internal battle against the greatest opponent of all - ourselves. With the ultimate spoils of war being, not to survive each other; but to survive one’s self. – The 'Loveless War’ with our own self.

I don’t know if my friend, my sista, my homie – Zully; will ever realize her dream of representing her country in the Eurovision Song Contest. It was a very wise Arab woman – who just happened to be a huge Garth Brooks fan – who once told me, “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” But what I do know is, you Zuleyka Shahin are a star. A star in the truest sense of the word – you illuminate…and in doing so, you have shown me how to be a better woman, a braver human being and significantly, a better friend – to my true self.

- Cheyelle Omar


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