The Diagnosis of Gary Coleman

- The short temper

Please tell me someone has posted – child star of 80’s sitcom Diff’rent Strokes – Gary Coleman’s bail. Because quite frankly, his off-screen shenanigans are ruining the legacy of what was a brilliant show. I just don’t understand how he went from, "What choo talkin' bout Willis?" to "What choo talkin' bout Judge?”

Seems to me, the diminutive star is intent on exacerbating the ‘Diff'rent Strokes curse.’ Especially, every time he and his wife decide to open a can of ‘whoop-ass’ on each other.

Normally, I wouldn’t care; after all, it’s none of my business. But, the little shit is really fucking up my midget-buzz. Before Gary decided to go all gang‘star’ on us, I had nothing but happy, sweet, Technicolor memories of midgets. There was the Oompa-Loompas, the Munchkins, the Seven Dwarfs, R2-D2, Tom Cruise and let's not forget the adorable Ewoks. Okay, there were a few black sheep i.e. Verne Troyer banger racing around the Celebrity Big Brother house a coupla years back. But, in Verne’s defence, if I had one of them little mobility buggy things, I’d be banger racing it too. Not since the decline in popularity of the garden gnome, have midgets had such a bad rap. And from my point of view, it’s all because of Gary Coleman.

Why did Gary Coleman have to go and get all, Biggie Extra-Smalls on us? Why can’t he just chill? Gary, please just take a step – albeit a teeny-weeny stride – away from the drama. PLEASE, you know it makes sense.

With this in mind, I have adapted the Diff'rent Strokes theme tune, in the hope that Gary Coleman will discover the revised lyrics and stop trying to be the next Ike Turner. I for one, miss seeing him on the small screen.

Diff'rent Strokes Opening Theme - Version 1 - The most amazing home videos are here

*Sing-along*

Diff’rent Stokes

(to whoop the world)

Now, the world don't move to the beat of just one gun,

What might be right for you, may be a felony for some.

A star was born, but pops stripped him of his means.

Then along come two, with their marriage diff’culties.

But they got, Diff'rent Strokes.

It takes, Diff'rent Strokes.

It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to whoop the world.

Everybody's got a special mug shot story

Everybody finds a way to crime,

It don't matter you got socked, not alot

So what,

They'll get theirs, you’ll have affairs, and I'll do time.

And together we'll pay fines....

Because it takes, Diff'rent Strokes to whoop the world.

Yes it does.

It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to whoop the world.

Don’t let the good times get the better of you, Gary. – Life’s too short.

- Cheyelle Omar

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