- An Insider's Guide to Fool Britannia
The Rock & Roll Hall of Shame
It was last Tuesday. I turned on the television and there it was, just about to start: The BRITs - the UK’s answer to the Grammys but with less black folks.Generally, when it comes to award ceremonies, I opt to watch them on YouTube and have a preference for the American ones. Let’s face it; the Yanks sure do know how to put on a 'kick-ass' awards show.
However, watching the BRITs (30th Anniversary show) last Tuesday, reminded me that we Brits do do great awkwardness, rudeness, anarchy and cringe-ability. Frankly, I found the whole ceremony so awful I couldn’t stop watching, and if I’m totally honest, I loved it.
So here are a few non-official awards, given by me to the participants of this year’s ceremony:
- Cheryl Cole wins the Worst Lip-Syncing Ever award - she even made a black woman do it too!! *hangs head in shame*
- Gaga (she ain't no lady, I know a lady when I see one) wins the Singing-A-Sestina Or Summat* award, cos at one point during her performance there just weren't no tune to it. Plus, she wins an award for providing the only schmaltz of the night. She cried on receiving her trophies; an act, which seemed totally out of context in a British awards ceremony.
- Jay-Z wins the Irony-Ritebakatcha award, for claiming that the Spice Girls were his 'inspiration' during his acceptance speech. And thus, teaching all us Brits in one deft manoeuvre, how annoying and confusing we can be when we’re constantly using irony in lieu of humour.
- Lily Allen wins Piss-Artist Of The Night. – Although, I did enjoy her lip-synced performance of The Fear.
- Melanie Brown and Ginger Spice win the Frienemies award – the hatred was palpable. Plus, they never thanked the other Spice Girls when they collected their award FOR THE SPICE GIRLS – Duh! (Girl Power – my arse).
- Peter Kay (British comedian and compère of the ceremony) wins Best One-Liner for calling Liam Gallagher (of Oasis fame) a "knob-head" after he [Liam] swaggered on stage, collected the award, then promptly swore (a lot) while throwing his award and microphone into the unsuspecting crowd – DOUBLE OUCH!
- And finally, Dizzee Rascal wins for Best Sucker-Punched One-Finger Salute. He got me when I least expected it – right down camera 1 – boo-yaa!
If you wanna know about the winners and losers, categories and performances – sorry, I couldn’t tell ya. I was having too much fun watching the spectacle. The BRIT Awards were so utterly cringe-able [sic] I was surprised Osama Bin Laden’s son, Omar Bin Laden didn’t duet with Gaga for her “Lee” McQueen tribute performance! But, if they can deliver more British stylie rock & roll anarchy, profanity and non-schmaltz next year, I’ll definitely be tuning in (link to BRITs).
Yes, the show will receive a low rating in this review (below). But, it’s only because they were so bad they were good, and because, if I did give them a higher rating Liam Gallagher would probably come round my house and throw his laptop at me or summat.
- Cheyelle Omar
* Summat - British regional dialect for, ‘something’
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