–Return to Sender
Torry Ann Hansen is the American woman who adopted 7-year-old Artem Saveliev and then, after 6 months, decided she no longer wanted him. Apparently, she felt the Russian orphanage had “mislead” her about the child’s “mental state.” Moreover, she claims the child’s mental instability made her fear for her own safety, as well as the safety of her family and friends (click here for full story). The “fear” prompted her to place the child back on a plane to Russia – unaccompanied – with a note round his neck saying (in a nutshell): Thanks, but no thanks. TTYN. xoxo.
With the story still in the headlines and a chilly Siberian wind blowing across the Russians hitherto cordial relations with the Americans. I have decided to compile a countdown of 3 things one should never take and then send back.
In reverse order…
3. Drugs: If you get a cash-strapped Mexican drugs mule to swallow a load of crack filled condoms and then fly half way across the world, just so you can toot on a fatter line. Don’t be thinking you can send the drugs mule back through customs at JLA (John Lennon Airport) with a note round his neck saying: Soz, the Charlie* weren’t up to much. Therefore, based on the Sale of Goods Act 1979 (Clause 54) I’m sending the gear back to South America for a refund. Ps. who covers post & packaging?
2. Organs: No, not the church type. Say, for example, you’re a fully-fledged member of the KKK and you discover that the kidney transplant you had a couple of months back, was thanks to a deceased East Bombay taxi driver. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let a fellow White Knight – even if he is a qualified first aider – attempt to take it out just because the donated kidney does not bode well with the KKK’s bimonthly magazine – 'Kosmopoli-notan.' Further more, do not allow that fellow Klansman to send the organ first class to the widow’s home with a note attached saying: Thanks, but no thanks, David Duke wouldn’t approve.
And in the top spot…
1. Mail-order brides: Just because Ting-Ting happens to have a ding-ding it is totally unacceptable to put your nuptials on hold. The fact that little old Ding-Ding didn’t sing-sing right from the get-go does not give you carte blanche to send her back to Pattani with a note round her neck saying: You mislead me Thailand, send me another – but this time without the optional extras and a better set of rims. There’s an old Arab proverb: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…unless, Hell happens to be a pre-op transsexual jilted on her big day.
And that, my friends, concludes this installment of frivolity from Omar Towers.
Good luck and adieu,
–Cheyelle Omar
*slang for cocaine
COPYRIGHT ©2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED: CHEYELLE OMAR
Posts
I'm wondering how many men would want to send back a tranny. The Brazilians say you're not gay if you're the pitcher rather than the catcher. Should tampons and suppositories be added to your list of things not to send back?
ReplyDeleteDamn she wasn't playin! Just put his butt on a plane back to Russia! Ouch! :-X Well, I hope in the end he gets the parents meant for him and hopefully can even laugh about this someday--it'd make a good pub story, for sure.
ReplyDelete@gorilla: Interesting vantage point - trouble is, I was always rubbish at rounders. I fear I'd be neither pitcher or catcher :S As for used tampons and suppositories - ewwwww. lol.
ReplyDelete@eccentricity: It's true, homegirl was OVER it. "Good pub story" - hell, if I was that kid, I'd be straight on to Oprah, ASAP!!
So because the needy child wasn't the perfect child, with no problems, she quit. Lovely. Ruins the situation for all those families and kids trying to find each other too.
ReplyDeleteThe Clean White Page
@ Tina: I'm torn Tina, cos on the one hand the woman sounds like a cunt (especially for putting the kid back on a plane like that). But then on the other hand, it's probably a good thing – in the long run – that she was honest about her inability to "cope."
ReplyDelete