Freedom Floats

-The pulse of the ocean

On reflection, I have, my whole life, been trying to save myself. In truth, while trying to get to safety, I have, on occasion, treated the people who have tried to love me, with a reckless abandon.

A fictional woman once said, “Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hang on to.” But I’m not that woman. If I held onto anything, I held onto my instinct.

It was my instinct that told me I should trust the ‘white system’ over my Arab guardians, even though my white father had shot through on me. It was my instinct that told me that I must not allow myself to become acclimatised to the homeless hostel – even though many had lived there for years! It was instinct that made me shun residential childrens' homes that displayed religious paraphernalia and opt, instead, to be cared for in a non-religious young peoples' home. And when – in that childrens' home – I woke up from a nap one sweltering hot summer’s day and found a man sitting on the windowsill of my room…a man who had been watching me sleep, who then went on to offer me “work.” It was my instinct that told me the “work” he was offering involved sex.

Despite my myogenic instincts, I long to know someone…anyone, who will tell me what to do. Because here’s the thing, I’m often as confused and frightened and lost as the next man. My façade of strength is not only a lie, it is a construct created by my instinct to survive, and it’s self-propelled. – My memories propel the pulse of my fear; which in turn, propels the instinct, and it's the instinct that propels the construct – a construct that intrinsically prevents me from showing weakness…seeking help. I am not, “Not Waving but Drowning”. I’m waving while drowning…

Fear can do that to a person; a psyche; a nation.

So here I am, wondering why? Why – despite the fact I cannot swim, am not religious and have successfully avoided danger my entire life – why would every single fine-tuned cell of my instinctive heart be telling me I should be on a boat, in a freedom flotilla, taking aid to Gaza?


-Cheyelle Omar

www.freegaza.org

Update:

There are times my instinct answers me. There are times Mother Nature answers me. And then there are the times Alice Walker answers me. I am most grateful to her for writing a recent blog post entitled: “You Will Have No Protection”. By introducing me to the Global BDS Movement, she has made me feel less helpless in my need to let the people of Gaza know, they are NOT alone.

-Cheyelle

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