Hillary & Obama's WikiLeaks:

Between a Cock and a Hard Place

So, I’m stuck up a mountain, snowed in, shitting in a bucket (the water pipes have frozen due to a premature cold snap). And I’m currently waiting for the last season of Jersey Shore to download onto my Mac. However, my broadband speed here is so slow, by the time I get the show “The Situation” will probably be known as “The Hip Operation” and Jersey ­– due to global warming – be known as the Jersey Reef.

I decided to do the thing I always do when I’m at a loose end – I go online and read the papers. I’m currently into reading the Daily Mail (you gotta love a newspaper that’s worse than you at spelling and punctuation).

Anyway, I’m reading this story about how – thanks to the whistleblowing website WikiLeaks – we now know Obama (aka Ho-ho-ho-bama – named so, cos just like Father Christmas, he loves putting the boot in) don’t like the British (surprise surprise); Hillary Clinton (a lady I now calls Milli VanHillary – cos she got caught faking it) don’t like David Cameron; the Arabs don’t like each other and the Monarchy don’t like no one. I’m paraphrasing.

And I’m sat here (on my bucket) feeling sad. Not sad because I don’t know when the water pipes are gonna defrost. Not sad because my life – a life which was wonderful a little over two years ago – has now been reduced to shitting in a bucket and reading the Mail Online. And not sad despite the fact that the article's comments have elicited from the British public – arguably understandably, in light of the American President’s apparent disdain for Brits – an anti-Uncle Sam stance. No, I feel sad because it’s just starting to dawn on me what a god-awful load of politicians the American electorate has to choose from. No wonder America keeps on voting duds in. It seems to me the electorate is perpetually caught between a cock and a hard place. From my point of view, having to vote for people like McCain, Clinton, Obama and Palin must be akin to having to choose between crabs, gonorrhea, herpes and genital warts [respectively]. And I’m also starting to think it’s time folks stopped blaming middle America for the United States’ wack Presidents, and started wondering why our countries are so consistent at producing middle-of-the-road, below par politicians? And moreover, why we continue to elect them?

I’m certainly not aggrieved at what America’s politicians and diplomats thought about the British…French…Italian…Chinese and Arab leaders. My British sensibilities aren’t offended in the slightest – they’re not. In fact, some of it was undeniably true! The only reason I feel so vexated [sic] is because the politicians and diplomats that said, thought and inferred these things got busted saying, thinking and inferring them. 

The way I see it, leaders of nations are supposed to be suspicious and analytical – even when it comes to “special relationships”. They’re supposed to – as diplomatically as possible – look out for their own national interest. Be on the ball. Keep an eye on their enemies and their allies. Be Machiavellian, even. I would like to think that’s exactly what the British government is doing (behind closed doors) right now. However, what they’re not supposed to do is get busted. Thus making themselves and their ilk look like a bunch of barbershop flibbertigibbets. Take me for example, I’m so good at keeping a secret there’s been men that have touched my right nipple and my left tit don’t know ‘bout it to this day. I can keep a secret better than Tiger Woods’ local STD clinic; better than Tupac’s killer’s mother's hairdresser; better than Rock Hudson’s lovers’ fag hags; better than Colonel-fucking-Sanders' chickens! So you can imagine my absolute horror when elite, highly paid politicians can’t keep their shit on the down-low! Needless to say, I’m bitterly disappointed.

Seems to me, we’re all fucked until we can get some honest-to-God, streetwise, humble politicians in positions of power. It always struck me as definitive proof as to the extent of endemic racism in all colours & creeds when folks seemed – to me at least – to believe things were gonna “change” for the better just cos Obama was black…ish. Let’s face it folks, the fact of the matter is: blackish or not – he’s just rubbish.

–Cheyelle Omar

(a commentator with a ‘bucket half full’ state of mind).

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