Perfect 10s…

…Of 2010

Well, it’s that special time of year again. A time when we all look back at the past 365 days and resolve to change; to do better; to improve. And then proceed, headlong, into doing exactly the same, if not worse, for another 365 days.

For my part, I think I’m one of those people that try too hard. I actually think that trying too hard often leads to my undoing. Sometimes, I think if I just embraced my innate average-ness, I would be a lot happier. Trouble is, my imagination always gets the better of me.

There’s an old Arab proverb: “The stray dog that howls at the moon does so because it doesn’t understand the moon is never full but always whole.” I’m not sure what that really means…now just seemed like a good time to throw it in, with it being New Year’s and all. Besides, when was the last time you ever saw a dog howling at the moon? I’m not for changing this year, but I do think I must learn that people are more than capable, and want to, love the whole of me…not just the good bits. Oh, and I don’t need to try so hard.

So now that we have established some of my imperfections (and my penchant for old Arab proverbs), here are my 10(ish) perfect 10s of 2010*.

First up is…

Kelly Brook

Word on the street is the British glamour girl – Kelly Brook (pictured above) – has the intellect of a spatula and the dress sense of a mop. But I’m the type of girl that isn’t afraid to appreciate beauty, even in other women. The doyenne of the ‘lads mags’ celebrated appearing starkers in several high-profile campaigns – including Playboy & Reebok – by claiming the whole month of August (2010) as her “naked month”. I love the shape of her body and I do think she’s beautiful – a perfect 10, in fact.

The Duke of Florida

You know, the word hero is a very subjective term. There are real-life heroes, there are heroes that you wish were real, and then there are the heroes that are only heroes in your eyes. The story of the American man – Clay Duke – who held a group of school governors at gunpoint because they’d sacked his wife, was, for me, an example of the latter. I know what he did was wrong. I know the man had form. I know vigilantism is unacceptable. And I know it must have been awful for the innocent people who were held hostage. But I’d be a barefaced liar if I said there wasn’t a little part of my soul that felt empathy for the gunman. Mr. Duke – you score a perfect 10 for being the ultimate old skool outlaw of 2010. RIP to the hero who never was.

Aung San Suu Kyi

The Burmese, Nobel Prize winning, democracy activist – who was released from over 15 years of house-arrest this year – scores a perfect 10 for exemplifying the power of peaceful protest…and for teaching me to never underestimate the importance of a good pizza delivery guy. Nah, seriously, what an inspirational lady.

Africa 2010

The England World Cup squad was a perfect 10…minus 10. What can I say; the squad was a great endorsement for cricket. They [the team] were less va-va-voom and more a bunch of vuvuzel-arses.

Orangutans

I don’t know much about apes, but I know this image of a baby orangutan clinging on to its badly beaten, shackled and caged mother, in an Indonesian village scores a perfect 10 for being one of the most heart-wrenching and poignant images of 2010 (click subheading for full story). My Christmas present to myself this year is a donation to the charity that helped save the baby - despite their best efforts the mother died. Note to humanity: we must do better.

The Voice

2010 saw Whitney Houston embarking on her Nothing But Love tour. Unfortunately for Whitney she got nothing but grief from the media, while on it. They claimed the vocals were off; she’d gained weight; the performances were lacklustre and that she was sweating like a spring lamb in a Marrakech mosque at the tail end of Ramadan. Unfortunately, I couldn’t afford to go to her concert so I can’t comment. However, this clip from one of her tour dates in Nottingham (England) makes my Perfect 10s of 2010 list because it illustrates that it don’t matter how much you fuck-up in life, if you just keep on singing your song, there’ll always be some kindhearted folks who’ll sing along with you. – And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing. Vive La Voice!

Y Tu Mamá También

A Mexican film called Y Tu Mamá También wins a Perfect 10 for being the best movie I watched in 2010. It’s like The Inbetweeners meets Beaches. Brilliant film – what can I say, watch it!

Claire Rayner

She’s the cuddly British agony aunt with a resolve of steel.  I wrote to her once when I was a kid. Her advice – via a stamped addressed envelope I'd sent to Woman’s Own magazine – was pivotal in me getting a home within the children’s charity Dr. Barnardo’s. I always imagined I’d make a great success of my life and meet her at some gloriously glamorous party at No. 10, where I’d get the chance to thank her. Success was far more illusive than I had imagined. She died this year. I’ll never get to say it in person now, but thank you, Mrs. R.

Lola Bin Lady (aka The Other Osama, aka The Pussy Pesterer)

This was the lady (I use the term “lady” loosely) who thought it’d be funny to dump a poor defenseless moggy, by the name of Lola, in a wheelie bin. And then got caught – on CCTV – expediting her nefarious act on the mouser. She [Mary Bale] scores a perfect 10 in the Moron of the Year competition…everyone knows organic matter goes in the recycling bin – duh! Nah, seriously though, what a twat.

Canadian Lottery Winners

I don’t know how they did it, I defy anyone else to do it, and they’ll be wearing Duffle coats in hell before the day comes that I’d do it. Having said that, thank God for the Canadian lottery winners (Allen and Violet Large) who were so happy and content with their lives that they elected to give away, yes – give away, 98% of their lottery windfall to charity. They confirmed what I always suspected: peace of mind is priceless. Somehow, I don’t think I need to wish them a happy New Year’s.

Puppy Love

I gotta say, one of the great things about owning more than one dog is the never-ending gift that is saying to unsuspecting men in the park, “Would you like to stroke my puppies?” My latest puppy Harpo (aka Ice Creams – cos whenever I watch a movie on my laptop he always pops up, interrupting my viewing pleasure, like one of those ladies in the cinema that sells choc-ices in the intermission) has definitely been one of my perfect 10s of 2010.

Happy New Year’s!

–Cheyelle

*click subheadings for links

COPYRIGHT ©2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED: CHEYELLE OMAR

The Unexpected Tree

– Rich Pickings

For a long time I never really knew what type of person I was, when it came to Christmas. Sometimes I would enjoy them by myself, sometimes I would spend them with others and sometimes, I would – like it was a drunkard on the number 10 bus – ignore Christmas completely.

But now, at long last, I think I know what type of Christmas person I am. I’m a Christmas opportunist; I’m a Yuletide magpie; I’m the Winona Ryder of the festive season. And the ultimate event that led me to this most satisfying of conclusions, was an incident that occurred today, regarding a Christmas tree…

Earlier today, a friend, who is staying with me for Christmas, asked if I would like him to pick me up a tree whilst he was out? I said, “Nah, don’t bother. But I tell you what, if you see a nice branch with plenty of twigs on it, along the roadside, then bring it back and I’ll decorate it. Otherwise, fuck it.”

Well, as luck would have it, along the road into town he noticed a branch had fallen from one of the towering, mature firs (common in this area). He promptly snapped a branch off and, on completing his business in town, brought back his virescent pickings – much to my, and his, delight.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking and I suppose the moral of the story is: The excesses of Christmas are fun and all, but nothing’s better than freeness.

Merry Christmas everyone!

–Cheyelle

COPYRIGHT ©2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED: CHEYELLE OMAR

Hillary & Obama's WikiLeaks:

Between a Cock and a Hard Place

So, I’m stuck up a mountain, snowed in, shitting in a bucket (the water pipes have frozen due to a premature cold snap). And I’m currently waiting for the last season of Jersey Shore to download onto my Mac. However, my broadband speed here is so slow, by the time I get the show “The Situation” will probably be known as “The Hip Operation” and Jersey ­– due to global warming – be known as the Jersey Reef.

I decided to do the thing I always do when I’m at a loose end – I go online and read the papers. I’m currently into reading the Daily Mail (you gotta love a newspaper that’s worse than you at spelling and punctuation).

Anyway, I’m reading this story about how – thanks to the whistleblowing website WikiLeaks – we now know Obama (aka Ho-ho-ho-bama – named so, cos just like Father Christmas, he loves putting the boot in) don’t like the British (surprise surprise); Hillary Clinton (a lady I now calls Milli VanHillary – cos she got caught faking it) don’t like David Cameron; the Arabs don’t like each other and the Monarchy don’t like no one. I’m paraphrasing.

And I’m sat here (on my bucket) feeling sad. Not sad because I don’t know when the water pipes are gonna defrost. Not sad because my life – a life which was wonderful a little over two years ago – has now been reduced to shitting in a bucket and reading the Mail Online. And not sad despite the fact that the article's comments have elicited from the British public – arguably understandably, in light of the American President’s apparent disdain for Brits – an anti-Uncle Sam stance. No, I feel sad because it’s just starting to dawn on me what a god-awful load of politicians the American electorate has to choose from. No wonder America keeps on voting duds in. It seems to me the electorate is perpetually caught between a cock and a hard place. From my point of view, having to vote for people like McCain, Clinton, Obama and Palin must be akin to having to choose between crabs, gonorrhea, herpes and genital warts [respectively]. And I’m also starting to think it’s time folks stopped blaming middle America for the United States’ wack Presidents, and started wondering why our countries are so consistent at producing middle-of-the-road, below par politicians? And moreover, why we continue to elect them?

I’m certainly not aggrieved at what America’s politicians and diplomats thought about the British…French…Italian…Chinese and Arab leaders. My British sensibilities aren’t offended in the slightest – they’re not. In fact, some of it was undeniably true! The only reason I feel so vexated [sic] is because the politicians and diplomats that said, thought and inferred these things got busted saying, thinking and inferring them. 

The way I see it, leaders of nations are supposed to be suspicious and analytical – even when it comes to “special relationships”. They’re supposed to – as diplomatically as possible – look out for their own national interest. Be on the ball. Keep an eye on their enemies and their allies. Be Machiavellian, even. I would like to think that’s exactly what the British government is doing (behind closed doors) right now. However, what they’re not supposed to do is get busted. Thus making themselves and their ilk look like a bunch of barbershop flibbertigibbets. Take me for example, I’m so good at keeping a secret there’s been men that have touched my right nipple and my left tit don’t know ‘bout it to this day. I can keep a secret better than Tiger Woods’ local STD clinic; better than Tupac’s killer’s mother's hairdresser; better than Rock Hudson’s lovers’ fag hags; better than Colonel-fucking-Sanders' chickens! So you can imagine my absolute horror when elite, highly paid politicians can’t keep their shit on the down-low! Needless to say, I’m bitterly disappointed.

Seems to me, we’re all fucked until we can get some honest-to-God, streetwise, humble politicians in positions of power. It always struck me as definitive proof as to the extent of endemic racism in all colours & creeds when folks seemed – to me at least – to believe things were gonna “change” for the better just cos Obama was black…ish. Let’s face it folks, the fact of the matter is: blackish or not – he’s just rubbish.

–Cheyelle Omar

(a commentator with a ‘bucket half full’ state of mind).

COPYRIGHT ©2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED: CHEYELLE OMAR